Heartbeat
by evelinaonline
Summary: Besides the fact that Jay had come down with the flu, it was a day just like any other. It started out like one, at least. When Jay goes through an anxiety attack, Cole is there to comfort him. [Bruiseshipping, Jay x Cole]


Cole couldn't quite remember when his heart had first started to beat for the brunet teammate of his. He just knew that it did. And loudly.

For weeks after that choking feeling had appeared, Cole had been ignoring it. He didn't know what it was at first. After all, he started experiencing all this after Jay and him had made up in the tournament of elements. He had assumed it was just his body reacting to having his best friend back. But as more and more days went by, he figured that wasn't the case.

Although he didn't remember the exact day that wild road trip began, he could recall the way he cleared up what it was about. He remembered that they were all training and teasing Jay about losing his balance. Jay didn't really mind. It had been a very funny fall, after all. Cole, however, stopped in anyway, telling them to cut it out.

"Sheesh, it's as if you are in love with him or something." Kai had commented.

And although the fire ninja's words were purely a joke, the effect they had on Cole was far from being one.

So that's what it was. Love.

And so came the phase of denial.

The times Cole had mumbled to himself were countless. In his head, out loud, it didn't matter. "Come on, Cole. You can't have feelings for... For Jay, out of all people! It's... It just isn't right! You don't even know if he is into guys... I didn't even know I was into guys up until now! God, that's just so wrong..." He would burry his face in his hands and helplessly try to silence the sound of his heartbeat. He couldn't let it beat so fast. Not for Jay. Anyone but Jay.

From the day of realisation and forward, it was a pain to face Jay without getting lost in his shiny brown eyes and his genuine wide smile. His soothing voice, his jokes, his silly nervous laughter, all these made Cole feel like he were floating. His breathing became heavier, his stomach tickled and his heartbeat increased rapidly. He wanted nothing more but the ninja of lightning to return those feelings.

He managed not to let that spark inside of his stomach take control over him, somehow, but only because he had to. He knew that Jay's heart belonged to another. And he knew that wasn't going to change. Jay was happy with Nya. The two of them were made for each other and they were happy. That was all Cole wanted: Jay to be happy. And if being with Nya fulfilled that wish, he was happy too. That's what he kept telling himself.

'You know that's not what you want.' a voice at the back of his head repeated for the millionth time. 'For how long will you keep lying to yourself?'

"Forever." Cole talked back. He would have those conversations with that voice often. He knew he was technically speaking to himself, but that was all he had. "He can't know. I will make sure that he never finds out about any of this. Ever."

Besides the fact that Jay had come down with the flu, it was a day just like any other. It started out like one, at least. The ninja woke up bright and early to do their training, then headed to take a shower, play some video games and later on have lunch, except from Jay, of course. It was after all that that made that particular day a special one.

After having a long conversation about whether or not Cole's cooking ideas were good with the others, Cole decided to head to his room and call it a day. They had stayed up till pretty late, after all, which made the others headed to their rooms as well.

"'Pineapple doesn't belong on pizza'," Cole mimicked Kai's voice as he made his way down the, dark now, stairs. "I'll show you how great pineapple can really be, if you let me."

His out loud thoughts were interrupted by a quiet whimper. He stopped moving and fell into silence to locate where the sobbing was coming from. He quickly found out that the source of the whimpering was no other than Jay's room.

For a single moment, Cole froze. He wondered what had caused Jay to feel that way. What had caused his beautiful smile to disappear. The thought made Cole's heart break into pieces.

Clearing his mind, he gently knocked on Jay's door. Almost immediately, he heard him gasp in response. "Wh-Who is it?" Jay nervously asked. Cole could hear his voice break and that only made him more concerned.

"It's Cole." he responded. "Listen, Jay, I was coming downstairs and I heard something and it turns out you were crying so I decided to check on-"

"Not so loud!" Jay cut him off and opened the door. He pulled Cole inside his room, without forgetting to close the door again. Jay's hand had not really made contact with Cole's skin, as he was wearing a long-sleeved shirt, but it still made Cole's heart skip a beat.

It didn't take long for Cole to snap back into reality and notice how much of a mess Jay was. He had already been in a poor condition because of the flu, but it wasn't just that. Yes, his hair was a mess and he looked as tired as he could, but there was something more to it. His eyes were red from crying, watery still, with bags under them. His bottoms lip was slightly shaky as well, putting emphasis on the fact that he looked hurt altogether. It almost seemed as if he were about to break into tears once more.

"Okay, I am not speaking loudly this time," Cole began, ignoring the pain in his heart. "What happened to you?"

"Nothing out of the usual," Jay managed to keep his cool. "I am just very tired, I guess, heh."

"I am not talking about you being sick, Jay." Cole insisted. "Don't be afraid to talk to me, okay? I am the last person to judge you, you know that."

Jay nodded. "You're right..." he said, sitting down on his bed. "It's just... It's really dumb, okay?" his voice had started to shake again.

Cole made himself comfortable next to the lightning ninja. Seeing how Jay was about to break, thus breaking Cole too, he reached for Jay's favourite plushie, Mr Cuddly Wamp, and hand handed it to him. Cole thought it was cute that something like a plushie could hold such an emotional value to Jay. The moment he got the stuffed animal in his hands, he pulled it close to his chest.

Cole couldn't believe he was jealous of a blue stuffed bunny.

'Now isn't the time, Cole.' he thought to himself. "So... What happened?"

"I-I had another." Jay simply mumbled.

"Anoth-?"

"An anxiety attack, I mean..." he interrupted Cole.

"Oh."

Cole had known of Jay's anxiety disorder for a long amount of time, long before the tournament. Although Cole couldn't really understand how it was to suffer from anxiety, he knew it was very unpleasant and painful. At least that was what Jay had told him.

Jay had first started to experience anxiety attacks before he became a ninja. His new adventures didn't necessarily help him decrease the amount of attacks he got at first, but eventually, they did help with balancing his life style. However, as expected, his disorder was not gone just like that.

It was what caused him to panic in missions and overthink situations. It was what held him back from making steps in his life on his own. At times, it held him back from standing up for himself. From speaking his mind and fall asleep at night. Cole had seen the symptoms numerous of times but he had never been present at a full-on anxiety attack.

"Well, it was a mini-attack." Jay was quick to add. Cole noticed that his grip on Mr Cuddly Wamp was getting tighter. "A-And I'm fine. There is no need to worry."

Cole knew he had to choose his next words carefully. "What... Um. What caused you to...?"

"Well, I am already kind of sensitive right now, considering I have the flu and," Jay chuckled sadly. "I... had a nightmare." his voice broke at the word. "I..." the man closed his eyes, trying his best to hold his tears back. "I-It was pitch black and y-you were all gone. And I was alone, I didn't know wh-where I was going a-and what to do and... And..." Jay did his best to hold himself together. "And then I jumped, I-I don't know from where, but I kept falling and falling and falling and..." He wasn't even holding on his plush anymore. He had cuddled himself into a ball, resting his chin on his knees. "And I was gone, you were gone, I-I was gone and you were... Y-You were gone, you were gone and away and gone f-forever and just gone and g-gone..."

Cole had never seen such a hurtful sight before. Every sob was one piece falling from his heart. Every whimper, a punch. Every crack in Jay's voice only pushed Cole into producing tears of his own. Was that how Jay looked like when he was having an anxiety attack?

At first, he couldn't move. He was stuck in this endless loop, with Jay crying and repeating the same words again and again and again. But Cole didn't want that.

And this was why he acted.

Cole moved closer to Jay, patting his shoulder. "Jay, hey... I'm here, it was just a dream." he spoke softly, in a quiet tone. "I-It wasn't real, whatever you saw, okay? All of us are okay, we're all okay."

There was something reassuring coming from Cole's words. The sound of his soft-spoken voice jingled caringly in Jay's ears. Without thinking much of it, he launched himself on Cole, clumsily wrapping his arms around him. He continued to sob on his chest, not showing a sign of stopping any time soon.

Cole was in shock. He had never seen Jay so... Vulnerable. Jay apologised countless of times while he sobbed and even tightened his grip. It pained Cole to see him like that. The master of lightning was letting everything out and Cole couldn't help but wonder if he had ever been that open to Nya. 'Of course he has.' he reminded himself.

But at that moment, he was so close to him. He had Jay right there. In his chest. And his whole body was because of that.

Slowly, he reached for Jay's back, returning the hug. And as Jay snuggled closer, the gap between their bodies was slowly decreasing and it was driving him crazy. He knew it was wrong to even think of his undying crush on Jay at that moment but his heart was beating faster than what Jay's tears were streaming.

Once again, regardless of the feeling, Cole went against his distorded desires. He comforted Jay, letting him rest in his tight embrace, and whispered next to his ear. "It's going to be okay, Jay." he kept telling him.

The sobbing died out, eventually, and so did Cole's words of comfort. In fact, Jay was so silent Cole had to wonder if he had fallen asleep. But of course, the other male shifted on Cole's chest, signaling him the exact opposite.

Jay pulled away to wipe off his tears. "I'm sorry." He sniffed. "T-That was unnecessary."

"Hey, it's okay, you needed it out of your chest." Cole told him.

"Thanks..." To his surprise, Jay snuggled in his chest again. "You're warm."

Cole felt his jaw drop. Not only did Jay willingly lean in for another hug but he also called Cole warm. Did that mean he was comfortable? He did lean in again, after all. Or was he just simply warm? Cole's heartbeat increased once more. He had Jay close to him again.

He didn't allow himself to freeze this time. He pulled Jay closer, making sure not to put pressure on him. He felt the smaller man snuggle in acceptance. Cole always knew he was small but it was only at that moment he realised just how petit Jay was. Compared to him, Jay was tiny.

"Cole?"

"Hm?"

Cole liked it when Jay said his name. It sounded really special that way, somehow. "C-can you... Not tell the others about this?"

How could he? He couldn't even put to words what he saw. "Consider it done."

Cole could swear that he felt Jay trying to make himself comfortable on him for the fourth time that night. He wondered if it was the flu getting the best of Jay.

He was certain his heart was going to explode.

"Thanks, Cole." A quiet yawn came out of Jay's mouth while he said his name. "You're the bestest friend I could ever ask for."

Friend.

He was reminded of what Cole was to him: A friend. He knew setting his hopes up was a bad idea from the start but now it was too late. Not that he was expecting Jay to suddenly develop feelings for him or anything.

He knew he couldn't cry - but he did anyway. Everything he had been through the past year had piled up and there was no space for anything else. He was trying his hardest not to show it. And thankfully, he managed to do it.

"Jay," Cole was the one to break the silence first. "It's late. I think you should go to bed."

A grown escaped Jay's lips. "But mom, it's only five!" he joked.

"Ha, ha." Cole laughed ironically. "Nice try, young man. But seriously, it's been a rough day, you deserve to rest."

"Okay."

It may have been what Cole asked him to do but it wasn't what he wanted. He wished that he didn't have to let him go. This was the closest he had ever been to Jay and it felt incredibly right. The moment Jay pulled away, Cole was certain he had never been so cold in his life. The absence of his body on his, his arms wrapped around his waist and his heartbeat against his chest hurt him. But he knew that he was doing the right thing by letting him go.

"Cole, are you, uh, crying?" Jay noticed, rubbing his eye with the back of his hand.

"What?" Cole shook his head. "No, I am not! I'm just, very tired!" he faked a yawn. "See? Hehehe."

"That sounded an awfully lot like me, you know?" Jay chuckled. "The flu must have rubbed on you."

"You think?" Cole smirked, earning a nod from Jay. "Come on, tug under your bedsheets."

As Jay was welcomed to the warmth of his bed, Cole switched off the lights. Once again, he handed Jay his favorite plushie which Jay gladly accepted.

"Have a good night's sleep, alright?" Cole yawned. "Goodnight, motor mouth-"

"W-Wait, Cole!" Jay stopped him from leaving. "Gosh, this is embarrassing..."

"What... is it?" Cole questioned.

"Could you stay here until I fall asleep? Please?" Jay begged. "After all of this, I don't feel so... Safe right now and it's hard to fall asleep."

Cole shook his head and sat at the side of Jay's bed. "You dork."

"Love you too." Jay smiled, cuddling under his warm bed covers and closing his eyes.

It was obvious he was joking. Cole's heart didn't care. That tickling feeling was running along his body, from head to toe. His heart beat fast, in a way only he could make it do so. And as if that wasn't enough, Cole's whole face was red. He was lucky Jay couldn't see him.

They didn't exchange any words after that. Cole was left to look at Jay as sleep took him over. He got the chance to study Jay's face from a close point of view, without worrying about being spotted. His freckles rested on his cheeks and Cole would not mind in the slightest if he had to count all of them. His lips were slightly parted, allowing him to breathe at ease. He did have the flu, after all.

Without even realising, Cole found himself stroking Jay's hair. Fortunately for him, Jay had fallen asleep faster than expected and didn't notice a thing. It was about time Cole did the same.

'Would it hurt if...?' Cole leaned in closer to Jay, gulping at what he was about to do. 'It should be okay.' Although hesitant at first, Cole touched his lips on Jay's forehead, giving him a quick kiss goodnight.

He didn't want to, but he pulled away. His face was flaming hot and he was certain that his cheeks were brighter than Kai's gi.

The master of earth forced himself to stand up. He made his way to the door and stepped outside the room. He took one final look at Jay. He knew he wouldn't get to see him sleeping so peacefully anytime soon, so he took his time. His concerned look turned into a soft, small smile.

Once he decided that he had had enough - though if he were honest, he could stay to look at him all night, - he slowly pulled the door to close it.

"I love you too, Jay." he whispered, before closing the gap between the door and the wall.


End file.
